Just a Thought: Relationships

So, I've had this blog up for awhile now, but I haven't really done anything with it. Initially, I wanted it to be a place where I can pour my excess thoughts into, and right out of my head. Unfortunately, those thoughts only ever come out while I'm driving in my car or just before I'm going to bed. Remarkably inopportune times to write down anything, as you can imagine. That, however, all changes today! Today, I've finally gathered up the motivation to write some of my thoughts out, and cease to have this blog collect cobwebs.

Damn shadows, always being happy...

Today's topic will be relationships. Recently, I've been talking to my friends and cousins about the nature of relationships, how they start, how they can end, and what they mean to us. Through these discussions, I've come to realize that my age is really one of the worst times to meet girls. In fact, it's the worst time for almost anyone to have a relationship with really (basically, at any point before the age of 25). Now, hold your horses! I know what you're thinking! “Kevin! That sounds like something coming from an embittered single!” Well... FUCK YOU! No, just kidding. What I meant to say was, allow me to explain in full! Yes, there are definitely exceptions to what I'm about to say, but these are generalizations I have made from personally observing many kinds relationships and people, as well as experiencing them for myself. People have started relationships young and have made it work, but those people should really consider themselves lucky (and the ones I know do). Not all of us get rewarded such small miracles.

Unless you're a forever immortal Asian

Now, there are a lot of reasons why relationships before the age of 25 rarely work out. Before I get into those categories, I'd like to point out that 25 is not a magical number I just made up. It's an age I believe holds a lot of meaning. For one, it's the age many people stop considering you to be a “kid,” or just some naïve guy/girl. Yeah, you always think people will stop considering you as such when you hit 18, and then 21, but the reality is quite different. Sure, people may still believe you to be inexperienced or naïve, but the presumption that you must be fresh out of your diapers is gone. People stop taking care of you, and you start (or have) taken charge of your own life. You're relying on others, like your parents, far less than when you were younger, and truly getting the hang of standing completely on your own. A lot of people start doing so younger, of course, but it's the great old mid-20s where people seem to actually get the hang of it.

Not only that, but it's a fairly stable point in your life. By this time, most people are already out of school and into their chosen career. If not, they're working towards that career with full intent and purpose, whether that means working low-paying and menial jobs to actually get there, or going to school for a few more years to become a doctor or get a PhD. It's different for everyone, naturally. At 25, you may not be 100% with where your life is headed, but you're certainly not hopping around majors like you may have been during college. 25 is also probably where you're going to get as mature as you're going to get as well, barring some drastic event in your life (like making that decision to get down on one knee, or having your first kid). If you haven't learned to become an adult by now, you're going to need a bit more than just years on a clock.

Or a Ditto

So, back to relationships. The reasons relationships don't work out before 25 are: maturity, variability of time, differences in plans, and variability of their environment. Yes, the term of 'variability' shows up a lot. It ties in strongly with maturity. When you're young, things can change fast. Opinions you once strongly held can be altered at the drop of a hat, and things you once thought you loved can suddenly start annoying you. You're like fresh silly putty: ridiculously mushy and malleable. (Which would make old people the hard, dried out putty that'll crumble and break before it'll reshape). It's these things that can change so quickly that can spell doom for a budding relationship.

Dramatic metaphorical picture

When you're young, you got all kinds of time and just don't know it. It's easy to start relationships and spend every single waking moment with your significant other. Yeah, you may have other commitments, but when it's things like classes or that window job you got at McDonald's, it drops a few levels on the priority list. Either that, or your schedules just really click. You may have fallen for each other because you were already spending so much time together. Then, the new semester starts, or you get a new job, and suddenly things don't work well so anymore. Your schedules start to conflict, you aren't able to skip class any more because the workload is getting serious, and hours apart start becoming days apart. Maybe even longer. Relationships rarely end because of this alone, but for those used to a relationship where you're glued to the other person, it can have a negative toll on how they view the future. Sure, you can really learn to appreciate a person while they're gone, but if you start to rarely see them, can you really call it a relationship any more?

Things are a bit different when you're 25 and older. Unless you're secretly Spider-man, your schedule tends to a bit more predictable and ironclad. You wake up and go to work at 9, get home by 5, and don't work on the nights or the weekends unless there's a nearing deadline. Or, you know, your work buddies call you out for another night of drinking. It's not the same for everyone of course, but most people tend to be pretty static. It's much easier to make plans with one another with this kind of schedule, rather than having to keep in mind that your boyfriend has class from 3-7 on MWF, work on STuThS from 1-7, wile you have class from 1-4 on TuTh, then a night class, and skdjfhaioufdhlkdjfal;trefd YOU GET THE IDEA.

Plans. This is actually a big killer of relationships. When you're 25 and older, you are where you are, and you're probably not going to be going anywhere unless you suddenly get a big promotion, and that position happens to be in New York. When you're younger, though, your plans may take you to all kinds of places. From high school to college, you may go to a different town, go out of state, or even to a completely different country. Then, when you're done with college, you may go to a grad school that's in a different town, out of state, or out of the country. Or, you get lucky and land in a career that may also... you get the point. Your plans for the future can severely affect where you are geographically, and that may or may not put a gulf of distance between you and your significant other. As most of everyone knows, distance can seriously harm your relationship. It severely limits the time you can see each other, especially when coupled with the variability of your time that I mentioned in the last two paragraphs.

REACH, BITCH!

Sure, some people have made it work, but for the majority of people, long distance relationships just don't last. You can even talk with that someone of yours every day, but when you're missing the physical component of the relationship, you're missing over half the relationship. And, at no point, should you ever change your plans for your significant other. This may sound harsh, but I think the most irresponsible thing you can ever do is to alter your future for someone who may or may not be in it. Even if you stay together, in the end, you may end up resenting that person for the dreams you weren't able to pursue. Relationships are about compromise, but they're more about sharing each other's lives. How can you share with someone you love a life half lived? On that thought, a person once asked me how I could expect someone to love another, when they couldn't love themselves. I think a more accurate saying would be... how can you expect to share your happiness with someone, when you can't even be happy alone? You're relying on your others for happiness, and have none to offer them yourself. Live your life before you share it with another.

Environment. Context. This can include the actual physical environment a person is in, and the people that they surround themselves with. This is another common reason why people break up, and honestly, I could write a whole second blog post about this alone. As people move through the various stages in their life, their environment will continually change. Moving from high school to college, and college to grad school or work, and from there to wherever, you are going to meet multitudes of new people, learn new ideas, see new things, have new experiences, etc. This can change you, sometimes drastically, as a person. Suddenly, you have something that you've never had before, and you just dive straight into it. Your opinions are altered. The way you view life has become skewed. The things you once valued are suddenly becoming afterthoughts. Many different things can happen. Paths diverge the most here, because two people who once knew each other in and out, suddenly don't. Or, they may not like the new attributes their significant other are suddenly obtaining. Either way, conflicts in personality and interests can suddenly rise, and if not ameliorated, can end the relationship.

"Holy crap... check out that color coordination!"

But that's not all for this topic. Aside from shifting viewpoints, you're also constantly meeting new people. Unfortunately, especially when you're younger, each new person met is basically a new person who can take your significant other from you. Of course it doesn't happen very often (if your guy or gal is committed to you that is), but once in awhile, they just might meet that person who suddenly sweeps them off their feet... not unlike you once did. Sometimes, they'll value the bond that they've built with you more, and dismiss that attraction. Other times... they'll check out that other option. Unfortunately, the big problem with the more immature of us is that they put too much stock into that “rush” of excitement you get when you meet a new interest. Suddenly, you're in that “falling for them” stage again, where the relationship is new and exciting, there's this flurry of passion, and you get to find out all about each other. They value that short, euphoric happiness over the real happiness one can only gain through a bond forged through all the ups and downs of a definite, long-term relationship. That's the big mistake younger people make, believing that when the “rush” is gone, the relationship must be stagnate or deadend, and they need to find greener pastures.

Even if she's really really hot.

Coupled with that is the fact that some people are unable to separate real feelings and physical attraction. Physical attraction is just that: physical. It's a series of reactions in the body that make you find another person attractive, and ready for bow chika bow wow (to put it scientifically). That initial fluster you get isn't love at first sight. It's your hormones talking, and for some people, it's shouting louder than their heart. People will believe that if they become physically attracted to another person, then their feelings must have changed, and should probably pursue this new interest. Never mind that if the other person had lacked boobs or a penis, that they'd just be another person you could become good friends with. Instead of enjoying the newness of a friendship, and considering “Oh, we have so much in common! We'll be great friends!,” they think “Oh, we have so much in common! I should pursue this!” Girls seem to have more of a grasp than this than guys (although not by a significant number), which is probably why you hear stuff about guys being friendzoned all the time. Heads up! Just because someone's a good friend to you and have fun with them, it doesn't always mean there'll be a good relationship from that. You're going to be meeting attractive people/people you're attracted to all your life, and you're obviously not going to be having sex or starting some kind of relationship with all of them. Part of being in an adult relationship will be the acknowledgment that, yeah, that other chick is really hot, but it's the gal you're with that you still want to wake up to every morning.

Mmm... rebellion

A further compound on the meeting new people bit, is the fact that there is a fundamental problem with crushes in the first place. More often than not, younger people don't fall for (or are attracted to) the actual person. Instead, they are attracted to their constructed image of that person. Rather than seeing them for who they are, they're seeing them for who they think or wish they are. On top of that, you also got some people who are just attracted to the “archetype” of a person (the most popular one being the “bad boy” for the gals), and don't really stop to look beyond it. Factor these into the “rush” and the physical attraction bit, and suddenly you got one person falling for another for all the wrong reasons. Unfortunately, if this all happens when they're already with someone else, then you got someone leaving a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I've seen this too many times, where a person will fall fast and hard, but then after getting into the relationship and shaving back all the layers of misconception, they realize that this new person they chose for themselves is wholly incompatible with them.

Of course you seem to have a thousand things to talk about! You just met! One of the worst things that can happen for a couple is when one of them suddenly realizes that they have absolutely nothing to talk about with each other. There may be idle chit chat, like asking how their day was, but that's it. Another horrible thing that happens is when the small things that used to mildly irritate you suddenly become the things that scratch away at your sanity. Suddenly, you've lost that hazy infatuation that was allowing you to tolerate their behavior. Either that, or those small things were just easier to take when you were friends, because you saw them so much less. i.e. “So what, they're a little messy. I can get over it.” *3 months in* “HE LEAVES HIS SHIT EVERYWHERE.” Then, it's pretty much like, “Woops, I've fucked up in my decisions.” Why, yes you did!

Also, make sure to have mood light

Then, people make the mistake of sticking with the relationship, because they don't want to be alone again, or have become attached to a certain aspect of the relationship (like the sex when it comes to a lot of guys). Basically, once again, wrong reasons are given when doing stupid things. In an ideal, adult relationship, when you come to this point you end it early and retain what good will you can still have with one another. The “Things aren't working out” talk. Yeah, it'll definitely hurt at the start, but at the end of the day, it will be the best thing you could do for both of you. Unfortunately, when you're young, you think about what will make you feel better in the short term rather than the long term. That leads people to make the mistake of prolonging a relationship that should've ended ages ago, or jumping into relationships that never should have began in the first place. Generally, when you're older, you properly flip this priority, as you start thinking ahead more than you think of the now.

As you can see, immaturity plays a small factor in each of the above scenarios. Yeah, mature relationships can deal with all the variability given the proper effort (and two people who love each other enough to give that effort), but young people rarely develop those kinds of bonds worth fighting for (or at least don't recognize it to be so). Thus, when the above happens, relationships break more often than they bend. Those immature folks are usually unable to recognize when a relationship really is worth fighting for, or is worth giving up.

Not everyone can experience a lifetime of love.

I know what you're thinking: “So, what, are you saying that every relationship before 25 is doomed to fail?” Of course not! The majority of them, though, yes! There are, indeed, some people who can become the exceptions to the idea that relationships that are started young, end young. These are the kinds of people I describe the “ideal” 25-year old to be, while still managing to be younger. That is, they're in a stable point in their life, they know where they're going, and they've reached a mental maturity that takes most people far longer to reach. Thus, their relationships usually end up working out because they really, truly know what they're doing. And, if they don't, they commit themselves to figuring it out with their significant other. These kinds of people in these kinds of relationships are rare, however, and should count themselves blessed. Everyone else just THINKS that they're there, and it takes years for them to realize otherwise.

25 is also not a magical number where you are sure to find your fated person. Relationships are still relationships, no matter what age you are. They'll still take work, patience, love, and understanding if you want to take them anywhere. Being 25 won't guarantee anything except a greater likelihood that you're at a stable point in your life, and have matured to something resembling a completely functioning adult. Even then, I (and you as well, most likely) have known plenty of people that age and older who still take part in failing relationships. Time and experience can only get you so far.

You'll also remember it in black and white. Or sepia.

Building on that, I should also note that this doesn't mean that all relationships before 25 are useless or pointless, and that you should probably stay single until then or something. For one, did you truly love the person you were with? Were you happy with them? Do you have fond memories you can recall, regardless of how the relationship ended? Then NO, of course the relationship wasn't pointless! It made you and your partner happy, for a time, and left you with some things you can carry on into your future: memories... memories, and with them, experience. People are very much a product of their experiences, and the relationships that you start, and unfortunately end, become part of the building blocks of your next big commitment. Another reason 25 is the age I've chosen is because, at that point, you've usually had at least one relationship that you were able to learn and grow from. Using that experience, and after truly reflecting on them, you can usually avoid falling into the same pitfalls.

Of course, therein lies another problem. Instead of reflecting on their loss and/or their mistakes, people start jumping into more relationships and make the same mistakes that ended their last ones prematurely. This is especially true for people who started dating young. They become used to being in relationships, and start associating being happy with meaning being together with someone. This is not the case. People are perfectly capable of being happy alone, given they at least have some other social outlets. When one relationship ends, you shouldn't be jumping into another one any time soon. What you need to do is relearn how to be alone, and more importantly, how to be happy alone. Go out with your friends, your family, reconnect with people, etc. Suddenly, you'll find yourself being able to stand on your own again.

Sometimes, you should just be friends.

And no, casually dating someone (nonexclusive or otherwise) doesn't count as being alone! You're still together with someone! And, chances are, if you're used to relationships, you're probably falling into a a more serious relationship without realizing it! Of course, if you're in one already, I'm not necessarily saying you should break things off now. At this point, you should be asking yourself where you want to take this little partnership. Are you and your partner comfortable with your current arrangement? Truly, and seriously? Or have you realized just a friendship, or even being strangers again, wouldn't hurt at all? Do you find yourself more dissatisfied with them than not? Do you want it to be casual, but they want it to be/think it's something more? Or, do you perhaps find yourself in a relationship but are unwilling to admit it? If this is the case, you should break it off. You obviously want something else from the relationship than your significant other, and/or are possibly fearful of commitment. A relationship is the last thing you need. On the other hand, do you both of you want it to be serious? Then what the fuck are you waiting for? Don't let yourself get stuck in one place because of fear. (Boy do I hope I didn't suddenly just end up a bunch relationships just now. But yes I do.)

It's unfortunate, but there's no guaranteed way to safeguard your heart. In an ideal world, people would know how to casually date with no strings attached, and still be able to use their experiences to improve a future relationship. Unfortunately, emotions are a funny and unpredictable thing, and you're going to find yourself falling in love, or believing you are, and setting yourself up for heartbreak. It's going to happen, and it's going to suck, but it's something nearly everyone's going to experience sooner or later. The great thing is that even though your heart's been broken, as long as you don't let it, it won't break you. You'll get over it, learn from it, and hopefully move on to something better.

Now, I know what you may be pondering at this point. What the fuck am I telling you to do? Should you take my words to heart and stay single most of the time, or even until you're 25? Or am I telling you to live life as you will, since there's nothing you can do about it anyway? It's something in the middle of those two extremes, actually. Don't let the fear of loss drive you away from meaningful relationships with others. No, not every girl or guy you meet is someone you're going to see a future with. Far from it, I'd hope! You can be in a relationship just for the fun of it, or just live in that moment. It'll give you a great experience and beautiful memories to look back on. If you're in this kind of relationship, however, don't make the mistake of committing your heart to it. Ending a casual relationship can bring you sadness or make you upset regardless if there's love or not, but once you've poured your heart into it, it'll bring you heartbreak.

Suddenly, you're strangers again.

However, just because you can keep a relationship casual doesn't mean you should get into one, or stick with a current one. Relationships of any kind should still be considered with a level head. Don't go hooking up with people because of those brief impulsive feelings. Those cloud your judgment, and can get you into relationships that may very well end on a dour note. Make sure you've got an actual connection with that person. “Because they're fun,” “a good person,” or “they're not so bad” should never be the sole reasons you're staying together with someone. I have known far too many people who have stayed in bad or incompatible relationships because of brief moments of respite, rather than truly recognizing everything that's going wrong with their situation (both the casual and serious kind). I know you're probably familiar with this type of situation as well, so common as it is. Having fun with someone every once in awhile, not wanting to deal with a break up, being fearful of being alone, or being fearful of losing a friendship is a terrible justification to remain in a relationship. A relationship built on such shaky foundations will fail, and could end far worse than if you just suck it up and end things early.

If you've been in a relationship just recently, you should be keeping yourself single for awhile anyway. Any person you find after the end of a previous relationship is more than likely going to be a rebound, and those almost never work out. You may think it's not, and the other person may want to believe it as well, but it's almost guaranteed you're using this new relationship to fill in the new hole you have in your life. Like I've said frequently in this post already, learn to stand alone and be happy alone. Learn how to be single again. Don't rely on anyone else to be happy or to fill in the hole in your heart, because you can reach happiness on your own just fine. Then, when the time is right, maybe you can start looking for someone to share that happiness with.

This could be you, ignoring all the signs and advice...

...when you should listen.

If you're going to start a serious relationship (as in, you've had serious talks about exclusivity, the future, etc.), then try to look at is as objectively and logically possible. Can you really, truly, see a future with this person? Do they think the same as you? Can you both say, with absolute certainty, that you won't be tempted by greener pastures, or possibly get bored with the relationship? Look back on your previous relationships, or even just the knowledge of yourself as a person. Can you really commit? Obviously, depending on your level of maturity, all this self-analysis may range from being doable to utterly impossible. Sometimes, your emotions cloud your thinking so completely, that it makes you think you're making rational decisions when you're not. Usually, looking to your friends or family (aka people who care for you) can be of some help here. If they think you're being stupid, you probably are. Unlike you, they won't be clouded by the high of your relationship, and are usually looking out for your best interests. If the only thing you can think in retaliation to them is, “They just don't get it,” or that they don't “know her/him like I do!”, then chances are you're letting your emotions get the best of you. If that's the case, even reading this won't convince you of anything.

It happens.

Have you broken up with someone recently? Like I've reiterated a bajillion times within this post, don't go looking for a rebound! You need to relearn how to be alone, and how to make yourself happy with your own efforts. Neither should you pursue those that you've lost. At least not right away. If your relationship with someone has ended, there was a reason for it, and you have to take time to reflect on it. If there was some fault with you, figure out what that was, take ownership of it, and learn to be a better person so you can treat the next person like you should've treated the last. If the fault wasn't with you, then recognize this, and don't needlessly blame yourself for something you had no control over. People fall for the wrong kinds of guys and gals all the time, and more often than not, their affection or love for them becomes so extreme, they're unable to realize that they were the big catch the whole time. It wasn't the other way around. The thing is, emotions are a funny and inherently illogical thing. Sometimes, you'll find yourself falling for awful or incompatible people without knowing exactly why. They won't be right for, they treat you wrong, they don't appreciate you, they don't accept you, or they're just not the relationship type. At worst, they're even abusive emotionally or physically (at which point, you need more than this article for help). Yet, you may find yourself still pining for them or liking/loving them regardless. Other times, there can be someone amazing and near perfect, but you're unable to feel any attraction to them. Sadly, even if someone gives you the world, that doesn't mean you'll love them. Accept this, and don't let yourself dwell on how you stupid you think you were being or are, or how stupid you think your significant other was being or is. Don't forget the lessons you learned, but leave those feelings in the past.

No need to feel like this all the time!

If you're single, recently or otherwise, don't be sad! Life may be short, but it can also be obnoxiously long sometimes too. Just because you haven't found someone yet, or at any point in your many years of living, doesn't mean you're going to be alone forever. It's a big world with far too many people crammed into it, and unless you're reading my blog post while pushing 80, you got a lot of years ahead of you. There's no one person “fated” for you, but somewhere out there, there's definitely someone who will just click with you. Someone who you can have fun with, be yourself around, be intimate with, and share a meaningful connection with. You'll just have to wait for it, find it, then work for it. And no, you don't have to desperately look for someone just because you're single. If you're happy being single, then there's no need to be in a rush to change that. If anything, you can let a relationship, or the opportunity to pursue one, come to you. This, of course, assumes you're keeping social. You don't have to be a party animal, but you should definitely be going out once in awhile to meet new people, or at least get to know old friends and acquaintances better. Humans are social creatures so, unless you're one of the rare types that genuinely don't like being around people, socialize! Plus, the best time to seek a relationship is when you know you can be happy alone anyway.

Phew! That was long! Thanks for sticking through it all the way! Now, if at any point you were reading this and disagreed with something, let me know! I'm being completely genuine when I say want to hear your opinions, and why. On the other hand, if while reading this, you got angry, upset, frustrated, defensive, or basically any kind of intense emotion, then perhaps this article is hitting too close to home and you need some reflection time. Unless they're an inherently angry person, when someone disagrees with something, they'll either do it with a level head or with passion. Anger usually only factors in when someone feels slighted. Some of you may also be dismissive of this post, for whatever reason. Perhaps it's my perceived lack of experience, lack of knowledge, or maybe even a deep-rooted denial. I don't know. I assure you that I've given every thought of mine some serious analysis, and drew examples from relationships I've been around, been a part of, seen, and have regularly heard about to help back my conclusions. Obviously, I didn't mention any of those examples to protect those people's privacy. I'm not talking out of my ass here. I know a thing or two about bad advice, and I would loathe to give it.

Be the ball.

So, to sum it all up, relationships can suck, but they suck even more when you're young and don't know who you are, what you're doing, and where you're going to go. All relationships require work, but you got to know when a relationship is worth the work to put into it. Don't be afraid to be single, especially after getting out of a relationship. You were happy on your own once, and you can do it again. Reflect, understand, and learn, but never dwell. Move on and look forward to the next big thing. 25 isn't a magic number where you'll find someone immediately, but what you typically accomplish at that age will give you a sense of the stability required to maintain a good, serious relationship (stability leads to stability, no?). Most important of all, be happy. Be happy with yourself, with your situation, and with where you are. If you aren't, you need to get there.

Just a thought. Thanks for reading!

DISCLAIMER: If you see any picture that needs to be properly credited or the author would like removed, please contact me.